Disclaimer

The views expressed within this journal are my own, and in no way represent the views or policies of the United States Army, Department of Defense, or any other official agency.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

A zippo lighter makes the memories char away...

It’s not enough to know that I made a lifetime long mistake of being married too young. It’s not enough to have the inherent stresses of being enlisted in the Army. It’s not enough to know that I had to deal with all my personal problems staring me down as I worked every day at Fort Polk, Louisiana. But to me, it is enough to absolutely drive a person insane, delirious to be forced to deal with this twisted situation. I am deployed with my ex-wife, and when I say ex-wife I mean every bit of the connotations and actualities that come with this no man’s land. The rumors, the lies, the deceit; they are all embedded into a situation called divorce. What’s the kicker? It hits me while I’m a soldier 24/7/365.

I made the decision to get married truly believing in the lifetime contract that it stood to bring. And guess what? It didn’t. Here I am at FOB Rustamiyah, Iraq already watching idly as a brother has passed earlier than us having even fully assumed our Area of Operation. I must every day see the person who has torn my heart from its resting place, thrown it on the ground, and spat on it without so much as a “Change step, March!” on her part. I have no closure, no space, no time for these atrocities to mend, heal, or subside.

No one above has seen this as a problem past “Well, that sucks…” or “Wasn’t there something about her moving out of Fox Co.?”

Yeah, it’s caused something I call exmatrimonorexia. I refuse to eat more than one meal a day if it requires a journey into the dining facility. Traveling to said place greatly increases the chance I have to see my ex-wife during the day yet again. It’s a drain on me. It’s a complete morale buster, and it is something that irks the very core of my being.

It hasn’t been a full week if there isn’t some kind of new rumor running around in the porta-johns about “Vaccariello” or any number of soldiers in the battalion letting me know “how _______ [ad lib] my ex-wife is..”

What’s the answer?

Deal with it.

9 comments:

Andy T. said...

Tony - I've been following your blogs and listening, just listening to all you've said, seen, and experienced. The loss of your comrades goes way beyond any words I could possibly write for consolation...there is no consolation, but hopefully a renewal in the commitment of your mission through the memories of your fallen brothers. Tony, you must stay focused - don't allow others to distract you, no matter what your history with them may be. You know what your goal is and how to accomplish it - don't allow a momentary lapse of concentration from another's distractions cost you anything. Those with you need to remember that the rhetoric and rumors are insignificant compared to the catastrophic outcome that can prevail from loss of vision, insight, and focus...but you already know that! I want my godson to come home vertical and in one piece! Keep your head on swivel and your heart open to the love and prayers we're sending to you and your men. I'm now working at the VA Medical Center here in Cincinnati, and you come up in conversation with all the Vets I take care of...they are also keeping you and your men in their prayers (my Vietnam Vet patients are the ones who turned me on to the phrase "keep your head on swivel"...some are still swivelin'!!!). Ill continue reading your blog and listening...just listening. Take care, soldier!

Andy

Bro. Bartleby said...

Let. Go. Hard when your hands are fists. And just two hands? That's all that God gave us. For a purpose. More than two loads is too much for anyone to carry. God speed!

Joseph Matthew said...

Godspeed to you man; you've got real strength - the kind it takes to literally plow foward. Don't stop - you are a constant inspiration to the rest of us. Best Christmas Wishes to you and your friends, you are all in my prayers.

Joe Clift, CA

Nicole said...

hey there tony,
this is your fav. bartender. i want you to know you guys are always in my prayers. I know you are in a shity place, but i want you to know that" this too shall pass." don't worrie about everyones bullshit... you know how they are. you are better than that. You will get threw this you are extreamly strong hearted. When you get back we will G- Hero it up. talk to you soon.
love your BFF,
Nicole

Tony said...

Son,
I don't know that I am anyone to be giving advice in this area cause God knows I'm as F'd up as the next person who has been kicked to the curb. I only know that you are my HERO and I need for you to get through this thing. We need each other and as long as we have each other, we will get through this thing together even though we are thousands of miles apart.

YOU ARE THE ONLY REMAINING GOOD THING THAT IS LEFT OUT OF THE NEARLY 30 YEARS I SPENT WITH YOUR MOM. THINK ABOUT THAT!!! YOU KNOW HOW PROUD I AM OF YOU SO PLEASE DON'T CHANGE THAT IN ANY WAY. IF YOU LEAVE, I WILL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

Andy has said it better than I could ever dream of saying. Please pay heed to his words.

Time will heal these wounds. Concentrate on your job and to hell with all the bullshit.

Carry on!!

Love ya Bud,

Dad

Bag Blog said...

Wow, what wonderful support you have - that counts for a lot.

Holly said...

T, I love you, and I can't phathem what your life is like on a day in day out bases. But I do know your heart, I also know on the same but different scale what you are feeling, the hurt, and sick to your stomach feeling any time her name is spoken... It's the same BS anywhere. It's because of love. You can't just turn it off unfortunatly. It will lighten through time because a love that IS worthy of you will replace it. I'm sorry, about too close for comfort quarters, just know this is something she has done to herself, you will have something much better, because you deserve better than that. I love you!

cris said...

T:
We really appreciate your service! Please tell everyone that your nation is in your debt. We truly wish you weren't there.

I'm Holly's mother-in-law, Cris. I've read your blog and I'm so impressed with your writing. If I were you, I would try sending what you have done to the Enquirer to see if they are interested in publishing your work. If only everyone could read your blog, things might begin to change..

I've been told, by a writer who has published some mysteries, that if your wall isn't full of rejection slips, don't give up!

Good luck and hang in there.

Cris Boone

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